Ramblings in depth

[fencerm2]

Some of you out there have noticed recently that I seem rather...off.  This is because I am.  

Please note - behind the cut there is a LOT of rambling, and serious over-sharing.  But I think, as part of my mental and emotional growth, this is a good thing to make public.

Ok, so I have been more depressed than normal of late, and just all around off.  No focus, no drive, very low energy.  Believe me, this is not fun.  

So I went back into therapy for the umpteenth time, because I want to resolve this crap and figure out why I:
(a. Can't find satisfaction in my relationsips
(b. Can't find satisfaction in my jobs
(c. Can't seem to be happy for more than a few days at best
(d. Cannot stick to my diet and exercise
(e. Can't break this urge to just run away, uproot myself and start over

So this had thrown me off.  The primary conclusing we've reached thus far is that I have lost my center.  I have lost touch with who I really am.  And that's even more complicated because I don't think I lost it - I am starting to think I misplaced it ON PURPOSE.  A VERY long time ago, long before any of you came to know me at all.

I put on facades.  I show different faces to different people that I believe they will prefer to see over my real self.  The problem this has caused is that I have lost my sense of self, and am now struggling in pretty much EVERY aspect of my life.  

So I am analyzing all of this, and the first conclusion I have reached is that I need to stop putting up the facades, and start letting myself just BE.  

Now some of you will notice little to no change, while some are going to probably see me being more blunt, more direct, and hopefully more present.  I don't know if you will like me as I am - hell, I don't know if I will like me as I am - therin lies a large part of my problem.  But I have become so entangled in trying to be someone that people like and want to be friends with, that I have denied myself...well, myself.

Sound like a lot of psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo?  It might be...but I can't continue to live like this.  I am tired of needing to enter therapy every couple years, and having my relationships fail, and not finding work that makes me happy.  It is ludicrous, and frankly stupid, and I am going to do something about it.

I have debated posting anything because, by-and-large, this is nobody's business.  But I think that those of you who know me, or have known me through the years, deserve to understand why you may see me in a (possibly) drastically different way...and as much as I care what you think, it is time to stop worrying so much about that, and just do all I need to do to be where I want, and need, to be.  But since I consider a vast number of you who read this stuff my friends, I thought an explanation might not be a bad thing.

Thanks for taking the time to read this crap.  It might be self-indulgent over-sharing TMI, but I feel the need to say it anyhow. 

Now back to your regularly scheduled memes, half-assed posts, and other regular LiveJournal business.

Comments

[splagxna.livejournal.com]

i think that's the major point of therapy - becoming more yourself, and learning to be comfortable with/enjoy that person.

so good luck!

[rlg.livejournal.com]

yes, what s/he said.

[splagxna.livejournal.com]

heh. she. =)

[chrystie69.livejournal.com]

I saw a big change in you after I got married but I was never quite sure if it was that you really had or that I was perceiving you differently.

I know a lot of people who have the same problem. I'm glad to see you are doing something about it ;) I just hope certain things that I feel make you a friend don't change. That empathy, kindness, loyalty, and trustworthiness...and yes I know this sounds like I'm describing a Boy Scout but these are all things in you that I personally find appealing.

Here for you no matter what *HUGS*

[nauraki.livejournal.com]

I have always felt that it was the best policy to be honest first and foremost with yourself.

I'd been through therapy 4 times (grief counseling), and well, it didn't help. I was angry it didn't help. That somehow fueled me to inadvertantly help myself. Then, one day I blinked and realized... I was simply happy with myself.

Hang in there.

[lissa510.livejournal.com]

"and as much as I care what you think, it is time to stop worrying so much about that, and just do all I need to do to be where I want, and need, to be."

Someone I work with told me that when she reached the age of 40 or so she learned to stop carring about what other people think ...I think this is an important realization...and you may be at that point. However, I'm thinking that you are naturallly a good guy, so there shouldn't be much of a problem :-).

I also think we all put on facades to some degree, (at least I know I do sometimes...i'm not really that cute you know ;-)....i guess the key is remembering who you are and being able to show it to people you are close with....so good luck with that.

in any case...hang in there ::big hugs:: and don't even think about running away...i can track you down ;-)...i'm a librarian!

[unicornpearlz.livejournal.com]

You already have my 'reply' to this. Embrace the 'dark' self - or you may never accept how 'grey' you are. :)